DFPH –– This past Monday hundreds of Davidson College students filed into the epicenter of campus life––the Duke Family Performance Hall. Campus had anticipated the talk given by John Kaisich, but many students were confused as to why Kaisich wanted to speak at a small liberal arts college in North Carolina. A few minutes into the talk, the purpose became clear: Kaisich was announcing his bid to become the 2020 Davidson College President.
Kasich began his speech by discussing his humbling experience in conceding the 2016 U.S. presidential election. “I need to come back to my roots. I want to be your next president, Davidson College, because this is a very special place in my heart,” Kasich announced. Students were confused as to what the former governor of Ohio meant by his “roots,” as he is a Pennsylvania native, an Ohio State alum, and spent the majority of his political career in Ohio.
Kasich went on to tell students that he could “offer things that President Quillien can’t.” He stated his number one priority would be bringing jobs back to Union Station. Not only would students have an employment opportunity in the reconstruction, but those who helped remove the ugly couches would have first priority status on applications for cashier.
The former Republican (now Nummitcrat) surprised students by supporting sustainability efforts on campus. Kasich promised to help reinstate the college’s arboretum status and impound cars stationed outside of PCC houses with their hazards on.
Kasich also announced a “pro-choice” stance on Duo-Enrollment. He explained, “who am I to decide what this student body can and can’t do with their cybersecurity. Your smartphone, your choice!” In regards to the “free-rider” problem of delaying Fall webtree results so incoming first-year can have an equal input, Kasich announced that under his presidency, first-years would simply have to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” in navigating their first add-drop period.
The final platform had students standing on their feet. “I, John Kasich, will establish a tax placed onto any student who feels the need to use a skateboard or scooter on this tiny, tiny campus. The money collected from the tax will go toward paying for a professional Mac-N-Cheese chef at the Davis Cafe, because honestly, it’s time.”
President Quillien was off campus yet the speech and has not released an official statement. Some students claim that her recent retweet of an article about Kasich’s failed presidential run didn’t go far enough. Senior Rob Knight told The Yowl, “her silence on a permanent Mac-N-Cheese option is deafening.”