By: Too Embarrassed to Sign Her Name ‘23
As we are all well aware, social interaction in the age of Zoom has become significantly harder to engage in, let alone social interactions that could potentially lead to sex. (See The Yowl™’s “Shmexy Quarantine Dating Tips” if interested in learning some pro techniques to get around this small snafu). Some of us have completely embraced the hermit lifestyle, preferring to stay in dorm rooms and live vicariously through the epic romances they can see on the screen (think Cinderella and Prince Charming, Cece Parekh and Schmidt, Bert and Ernie, Wall-E and Eve, etc). However, those of us who find ourselves yearning for something more than sniffing our roommate’s deodorant and pretending it’s that of a beautiful man’s, it seems that our professors have been able to see the desperation in our eyes.
“I started getting suspicious last week,” says junior Ariana Strong. “I got a group project assigned in every one of my classes within the span of three days. Maybe I wouldn’t have suspected anything, except my sociology professor said, ‘Make sure you spend quality time with your groupmates’ and winked.”
Other students have been reporting similar instances of professor matchmaking. Sarah Wright, a math major, reported her statistics professor making a freudian slip and saying, “I have calculated the probability of successful couples–I mean, presentations, and the stats are promising.”
Still, one might argue that professors just want students to get some time to interact with each other in a less formal setting and form friendships, nothing more. However, we received damning evidence from the history department: students already in relationships weren’t even bothered to be placed in groups. (Those in long distance relationships were told to “fuck off” and “stop being so selfish, this is obviously not fun for you or any of us either.”)
The question thus becomes, will said stat professor’s predictions come true? We here at The Yowl™ have been following the progression of several groups on campus, and so far only a few of them have shown promise: one first year timidly asked out a STUNNING senior for a coffee, and things seemed to have been going well until the first year ordered the pumpkin spice latte at Nummit (could you be more basic?).
When asked to comment, the professor who is supposedly the mastermind behind the operation, Daniella Sikes in the Art History department, said she just wanted to see a little more romance on campus. “I mean, come on, do you think Venus de Milo was inspired by the cup of noodles the sculptor ate for dinner? It’s sex! Our college students need wild, passionate lovemaking in order to get the full college experience!”
Our extremely flustered reporters here at The Yowl™ will provide the public with all updates as this story develops.