Joshua O’Donnell was born last Sunday to two Davidson Students. The 6 pound 5 ounce baby served as a warm and welcome bundle to parents Mary Stew ‘18 and Thomas Dickinson ‘20, who conceived the little bundle of joy after making intense, and fleeting eye contact in the library nine months ago.
Remarked Stew, “I was studying French in base libs and I saw him in the carrel next to mine. Our eyes kept drifting swiftly over one another. And that’s how our little Joshy was born.”
Thomas Dickinson, a private Catholic high school graduate, believes the child was sent to him from God. “God heard my prayers about being too socially awkward to talk to Mary. And he sent us a baby to finally bring us together. We’re so blessed,” Dickinson said, through strained tears.
Senior James Caulfield claimed that this isn’t the first abstinent Davidson baby to be born. “Oh this has definitely happened before. One time my friend David stared too long at a girl leaning against the wall at F, but couldn’t work up the courage to talk to her. Didn’t matter. Boom. Pregnant.”
“I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before, frankly. You should see the aggressive, sexually-repressed eye contact that goes on between people here. They give us all these f*cking free condoms, meanwhile everyone’s eye f*cking each other. Forget the condoms,” Caulfield continued.
Professor of Biology Dr. David Castra is more doubtful as to the validity of the conception. “I mean it’s not the weirdest sh*t to ever happen on planet earth. It seems scientifically impossible. I’ve toyed with the theory that perhaps the seats in base libs were so covered in seminal fluid –it’s a common masturbatory location, I’m told– that Mary inadvertently conceived the child. Though then again, Thomas’ piercing, anxiety ridden gaze just may have been responsible for planting the seed of life within her,” Dr. Castra claimed.
It is of note that Dr. Castra’s teaching license is currently under investigation by the Academic Review board, and his above comments should be contextualized with this knowledge.