Likes I said, get on this sh*t. Photo taken from Creative Commons

As we lay in bed contemplating the many months of uncertainty that lie ahead, it may be difficult to find the will to live. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… TikTok, the magical entertainment app with the ability to turn hours (and hours) of real time into, what feels like, a number of minutes. TikTok is your new purpose in this world; something help you carry on. But wait! Are you, as a Davidson student, not used to underachieving and solely consuming media for days at a time? Here is the your guide for conquering the TikTokverse.

  1. Download TikTok.
  2. Spend at least half of your waking life watching TikTok for two weeks learning the tropes, what’s funny, what’s overdone, and timing each one you watch in order to figure out what video length induces maximum serotonin release (turns out it’s seven seconds…huh).
  3. If possible, own a cat.
  4. When the first two weeks are up, reassess: If you don’t have “Fabulous” from Phineas and Ferb running through your head nonstop, repeat the same procedure for another week. 
  5. Alright, once you seem incapable of walking around your house without singing “I’m bored in the house and I’m in the house bored,” you’re ready to level up.
  6. Now, while you walk around your house singing TikTok songs, also take inventory of every slightly cool or wonky thing in your home, including the weird behaviors of family members.
  7. Chances are, your family is not funny enough by itself. If this is the case, you might need to support your friendly local megacorporation Amazon and order attention-grabbing props. Or new family members. Spare no expense.
  8. At this point, you need to choose your brand of TikTok. Will your page focus on your cat, will you be a cooking channel yelling at people about how to properly boil bagels, or will you be a TikTok f*** boy, lip syncing to any possible song with your shirt off? The choice is yours, but choose wisely — we will be watching. 
  9. As you start to hone your craft, which, let’s just say for the sake of this tutorial, is making videos about how you are now more of an alcoholic than ever, you might start to feel extremely emotionally invested in how many likes or followers you have, and your self-esteem will fluctuate right along with the numbers. If you feel like your entire self-worth will be determined by the response you get to your videos… you’re right. So don’t f**k it up.
  10. Now that you have another thing to constantly feel stressed and anxious about, you will be tapping into your prime energy. Nothing screams “success” like that 4 a.m. TikTok you just made from inside your pit of insomnia.
  11. Lucky for you, studying the TikTok algorithm paid off. You finally figured out the exact video people want to watch: a time-lapse of you having a darty with your pets while your Republican dad says something Boomer-esque that you and your gay brother laugh at because men ain’t shit and then sob a little because you’re quarantined and sad, cut to a screen showing all of the Moodle quizzes you’ve failed that week, cut to you and your brother breakin’ it down to “Interior Crocodile Alligator” while eating flamin hot cheetos, cut to you orgasming to Andrew Cuomo talking, cut to you screaming at yourself in the mirror, cut to your cat.