Aries: Shiiiiit, girl! This is your time to shine! We are in your season and you should be feeling ready to pull on some thigh-high heels and step on some throats. I personally volunteer my throat for said stepping. 

Taurus: That PCC meal is going to hit you different today, and not in a good way. Go grab some sushi from Union, because somehow that is less sus. 

Gemini: You’re going to want to stick your foot in something today, but seriously just don’t. Take a walk and stare at CQ’s house, dreaming of how to dismantle the racial capitalist system. There are more important things, boo. 

Cancer: You are in the prime of your life. While everyone around you is dying of burnout, you find yourself painlessly floating, above it all. Does it have anything to do with the fact that you are in your senior spring with a cushy job lined up for next year? Definitely not.

Leo: Bruh literally stfu about how your arm hurts. We get it, you got vaccinated. Are we happy about it? Of course. Do we need to hear about it every moment of the day? No. Except actually if you could go complain like right next to an administrator then maybe they would get the memo that the reason that there are still vaccination slots is that everyone already got it. 

Virgo: Something is telling you to go to the open mic Live Thursday this week and show off your hidden talent. Lean into it. We have a feeling that it will be wonderful, or terrible, but either way, highly entertaining.

Libra: Libra? I’ve never even seen her! Jesus Christ, I need a new script writer for my brain. You do too, probably. 

Scorpio: Oh my lord would you just keep it in your pants for like 0.5 seconds, it’s not even summer yet and you’re already out here in a bikini tanning like how extra can you…be…okay wait….yeah no actually the lesbian in me is completely okay with this, keep it up. 

Sagittarius: What can I say, you’re positively secret society material. Constantly raising the bar for all of us and doing it flawlessly. I’d say I’m surprised but I know who you are…or do I?

Capricorn: Oh, boy. You’re in for some exciting/heart-wrenching/jaw-dropping news soon. Make sure you have your mailbox key handy.

Aquarius: Tastes like a pencil. Feels like cement. Looks like ur mom. What am I? The point of this riddle is for you to look within and do some solid reflection. You need to consider the lobster, but also a lot of the other sea creatures, within your soul. 

Pisces: LMAO girl you have the heart to show up here? You already know it’s a shit show! There ain’t no hope! But you’re sweet for trying. Better luck next time and all that jazz.