Honor Council to Bring Back Draconian Dungeons, Devices of Torture

In a radical and shocking move, the Honor Council has resurrected long-forgotten judiciary practices of the Inquisition Era for the upcoming spring finals  season. The changes are expected to greatly speed up the trial process and prevent excessive time and energy lost for its members.

Honor Council trials have been known to average about three hours or so, but rumors abound of epic and emotionally draining courtroom showdowns lasting several days. To prevent this, the Council recently passed a motion in its latest meeting that allows defendants, and the council, more judicial freedom in their trials– namely through the use of the Iron Maiden and the Rack.

“I just felt like we could speed this whole process up by employing more effective methods. My personal favorite is dunking the accused in Lake Norman to see if they float,” said Honor Council Chair John Stamos ‘18 while holding a spiked mace.

Reads one excerpt from the official proposition: “If upon first judgement the Council finds a defendant to be exceptionally guilty in appearance or mannerisms, the Council reserves the right to obtain from the accused a quick and speedy confession from the defendant by subjecting the accused to certain torture methods, including, but not limited to, the Rack, waterboarding, nails-on-chalkboard, and any other devices contained in the old Chambers dungeon.”

When queried about the location of the afforementioned dungeon, Council Chair Beatrice Balentine ‘19 cited the Honor Council’s inherent tradition of secrecy of operation, retorting, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

For those of you traditionalists and old-school cheaters, fear not; the classic option of a trial by jury, with the granted choice of private or public, is still offered. But if you want to avoid spending long, painful hours having every inch of your life dissected in front of you, you now have other options.

For instance, the measure also adds the option for trial by combat, wherein the accuser and the defendant, having both agreed and consented to this option, face off in an arena-style fight to the death with their weapon of choice. The Council is currently seeking additional funding from the Dean of Students for chain mail and broadswords, although RLO has reportedly offered up their own stash of confiscated weapons for use as well.

This revelation has already sent shockwaves through the student and alumni community alike. Howard Stimson ‘78, who in his time set the standing record for most Honor Code violations without expulsion, wrote to The Yowl reflecting on his time in the dungeons.

“I was down there so much that I got to have a personal pair of manacles to be shackled to. While it was a trying experience to be sure, I don’t think I would have matured to be the man I am today if it hadn’t been for the hours I spent in the brazen bull”.

Others have criticized the legality of the proposed punishment methods under UN legislation. The jury’s still out on this, but in the meantime the Dean of Students office has released a Qualtrics survey to determine student preference for dueling with epées or pistols.

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