Representation of lice here baby lice.

Although it is 2015, single mothers are still associated with stereotypes of helplessness and despair. Mandy Leggs is out to shatter that stigma. After her former home was flooded with poison and her husband was murdered, Leggs –pregnant and alone– fled to take refuge in a nearby Denver Broncos baseball cap. This turned out to be a wise move. Soon after her daring decision, the cap was transferred from the head of one Richardson Hall resident to another.

“Alan and I have a sort of flirtationship going on,” rationed Sophia Chobsky ‘19, “First Rich is a co-ed freshman hall, so there’s an awful lot of head-to-head contact going on, if you know what I mean.”

“There’s no way she could have gotten the lice from anyone but me,” Alan Merkel ‘19 interjected proudly. “Sophia has only ever worn my hats. We’re not dating, but we are exclusive.”

What was merely an assertion of dominance on Merkel’s part turned out to be a life-changing miracle for Leggs. After transferring her impregnated body firmly onto Chobsky’s scalp, Leggs gave birth to octuplets.

“I’m not going to lie, giving birth to eight children all on my own was pretty tough. But after a few hours my bundles of joy started mating with each other, and look where we are now! I don’t regret anything,” she gushed.

After just three weeks, Leggs is now grandmother to 64 “darling little angels” and 278 further descendants.

Don Leggs, great-great-grandchild of Mandy Leggs, reported:

“My wife and I just had our first child, which marks the beginning of the sixth generation of the Leggs family. We’re thinking about having a potluck in Sophia’s bangs to celebrate.”

Of course, not all is peaceful on the homefront. At a State of the Cranium address on Sophia’s hidden bald spot, Mayor Leonard Leggs warned of impending danger:

“We’ve already lost so many brothers and sisters to the scratch of the fingernail that I fear it’s only a matter of time before the fabled comb returns. I urge everyone who has young children to store them safely behind Sophia’s ear, and all others to transfer to another scalp if the opportunity arises.”

The Legg family’s fears, however, are misplaced. Chobsky has made no moves to eradicate the residents on her head. In fact, she argues that their presence has strengthened her relationship with Merkel.

“I think the idea that we’re currently housing genetically related insect colonies on our heads has brought us closer together.” stated Chobsky. “That, and the fact that no one else will touch us.”