Freshmen Friend Group to Remain Fully Intact for Exactly Six More Weeks, New Report Shows

VAIL COMMONS — The group of 11 first-year students who you saw sitting together in Commons on Monday will remain friends for exactly six more weeks, at which point underlying personality differences, complicated love triangles, and fundamentally different worldviews will cause the group to quickly dissolve, a new report shows.

Released late Tuesday, this joint study published by the Sociology and Psychology Departments makes use of decades of historical data on first-year social dynamics at Davidson, as well as unfettered access to the MBTI profiles of the 11 subjects analyzed in the study. 

According to tenured Professor of Sociology Dr. Marcus Stevenson, faculty researchers have long wished to develop a predictive model for first-year friend groups, but have just recently been granted access to the necessary data.

Stevenson told The Yowl that the results of the students’ Myers-Briggs personality tests, which all incoming Davidson students are required to take as part of their roommate pairing survey, allowed his team to bolster their robust qualitative assessments of the friend group. 

“Using MBTI differentials—quantitatively measuring incongruities between personalities in the friend group—as well as qualitative observations of behavioral tendencies, we were able to identify key patterns that factor into our algorithm,” explained Stevenson. 

“For example, we can say with 95 percent confidence that Jake, an ENTJ who has a tendency to become quite cocky when inebriated, will really piss off Amanda, an ISFP who values self-awareness in her friends, on October 13th at 12:03 AM at a pregame in Tanya’s room. This will create a deep schism within the group that has long-term implications. It’s all pretty clear-cut if you look at the model.”

Several other faculty analysts noted that Kevin and Jose’s shared affection for Jessica, who really isn’t interested in either of them, is a statistically significant phenomenon that will have direct causal effects on Trish’s passive-aggressive finsta post that makes things awkward with Sarah and Kate on October 4th. 

“That one’s low-hanging fruit, quite frankly,” remarked Professor of Psychology Dr. Maria Anderson, “I mean it’s right there in the data. Who couldn’t see that coming from a mile away?”

At press time, the report’s authors were seen scrambling to alter their algorithm after receiving a tip claiming that Eli and Christine share a mutual friend who attends UNC Chapel Hill—a development that has a high probability of leading to a trip to the university over fall break that could drastically alter the predicted course of the group’s friendship. 

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