“All I did was put up a few posters and write a quirky email blurb. I… I never intended for all of this to happen,” remarked a trembling TJ Davies ‘22 as he choked back tears. Davies spoke with The Yowl just outside the Anthony R. Foxx SGA Office, where he has become embroiled in a dark conspiracy of sex, murder, and an insatiable lust for power, despite being elected just one day ago.
Davies, whom friends described as a personable and modest guy who sincerely wanted to serve the community, had his spirit totally shattered Monday after being compelled to commit the coup de grace in a sweeping takeover of campus institutions by an as-yet enigmatic cabal of upperclassmen.
“Oh TJ? He’s nothing –– just a dog at the heel of progress,” commented Aaron Kelly ‘20 who now holds the position of Chair of the Politburo and Defender of the People and was coincidentally wearing a maroon beret during his on-record statements. “It’s very simple: the SGA was weak, decadent. I had been planning my reforms for a year now. All I needed was a grunt; better to not get your hands dirty,” Kelly said as he went to survey his new fiefdom.
When asked why he had allowed himself to be swept up in the fervour of revolutionary politics, Davies responded through a clenched jaw and grey, doll-like eyes, “So many promises, so much hope, I didn’t know what I was doing. You believe me, don’t you? I didn’t realise it would go down that way, stripped of their power one by one, humiliated. I didn’t mean to. You believe me, right? I just wanted to get more vending machines around campus.”
“I’m just happy the students are really getting into the spirit of it,” noted Dean McCrae when asked about the sudden changes to the student government. “I know some students are disappointed that things turned out the way they did, but that’s just part of the competition that keeps SGA a vibrant campus institution.”
Davies would not comment on whether he intended to resign from his position as a first-year senator, though students’ hopes remain high that he can make campus a more fun and inclusive place.
At press time, Davies was seen dining in the DuPont Room with members of the Mobike Lobby. When questioned, Davies claimed they were “family friends.”