After the debacle of Davidson College moving from 10th to 17th in national rankings of liberal arts colleges last fall, there were few things that students on campus felt they could cling to in order to preserve their feelings of pride in their school. 

“I mean, if we don’t have the academic clout, what do we have left?” sobbed one First Year who was feeling personally betrayed by this plummet in ranking (I mean, she didn’t take the SAT four times for nothing). Lucky for her and others sharing her sympathies, the many fraternities on campus recognized that this was their time to be heroes. 

The presidents of the fraternities met in a dark room because they think they’re dons like the Godfather. They agreed to bring back not only hazing, but also a drinking game that a few years ago was deemed “so foul they shouldn’t even use it at Guantanamo” –– Ben Shapiro. Moreover, they decided that they seriously needed to overhaul the Old Standards, including Beer Pong and Rage Cage (and “Jesus Christ for the last time it’s not Stack Cup that doesn’t even rhyme” –– Ben Shapiro). 

One KA brother was particularly supportive of the change in policies. “Personally, I learned how to play pong at Stanford, and, not gonna lie, it was way harder there than it is here at Davidson,” said Chip Tanner Brandon III. 

Brothers of all fraternities on campus have also been extremely concerned with making sure that they master the new rules. “I mean, it’s one thing to have a minimum 2.0 GPA, but it is so much more important for the brotherhood to be able to say every single member has the rules down cold,” 

SAE President Braxton Ellingwood commented, “Not to mention, I’ve heard that smart is sexy now. If you can show a girl you memorized, like, six different things about getting tiny balls in cups of alcohol, I mean you’re essentially guaranteed to impress.”

New pong rules include: if you get the ball in the middle-most cup as your first shot, you have to take your pants off until you sink another one. If at any point during the game you have to tap out in order to pull trig, you have to immediately go to the Nisbet Fitness Center for Students and Affiliated Davidson Peeps and create a makeshift bench press with the given weights and then bench for the following six hours. If you and your opponent are both down to one cup, the usual sudden death rules apply, but now you actually will be killed if you lose. 

“What can I say?” Chip Tanner Brandon III said. “We love a rigorous curriculum.”