You’re leaving the Commons grill station with your chicken tenders lying plateless on your tray next to your caramel-brownie-triple-raspberry-cheesecake scoopie (you need something to fill the void left by your dry sex life). You see the Tinder match that your thirsty ass swiped on Sunday at three in the morning. You see them see you. You see the fear in their eyes. It’s like looking at a dying fish. You remember the fish you killed on accident in 5th grade. You realize you kill everything you love, including the likelihood of tying down this Tinder match and turning them into your stalwart booty call.
But this isn’t the time for self-reflection; you have approximately 15 meters to go before you’re safely in a Commons chair, surrounded by people you can pretend to be friends with until Ms./Mr. Tinder leaves the building. To get you through this miserable encounter, here are five ways to avoid making direct eye contact with them as you make your way to the sweet, sweet release of denied mutual attraction.
1. Use the Kindly Commons Worker as Your Human Shield
You know Edwin? The one who treats you with such genuine care and interest as you ask for double helpings of guacamole at the nacho line? He’d do anything for you, you reckon. Now’s the time to take him up on his offer. Use him to shield your shame as you run to your Commons table. Your Tinder match will be too blinded by Edwin’s kindly smile and loving personality to notice you sniveling in regret as you lurk behind him.
2. Trayvolution Part Two: Create a Large Diversion with the Trays
Make the trayvolution literal. Hurl your body at the stack of trays. While your Tinder match is distracted by the havoc you’ve created, boogie board on one of those suckers to the nearest safety zone.
3. Ask the Commons Worker Who Yells at You to Speak Up in the Du Jour Line to Instead Hurl Insults At Your Tinder Match
Nothing makes a person avoid eye contact more than the one Commons worker who yells at you to speak up in the Du Jour line. Ask them to hurl insults at your Tinder match as you flee from sight. Nothing will make your Tinder match cast their eyes down in shame like the realization that their voice is too weak to ask for more cheese on their hash browns.
4. Begin Vomiting All Over The F*cking Floor
Beeline for the romaine lettuce bowl and dump it down your gullet. You can’t see embarrassment reflected in a potential f*ck buddy’s eyes when you’re focused on the sludgy contents of your stomach.
5. Sit Down Next To The Salad Bar and Commence Visibly Weeping
Weeping is what the salad bar is for. You can’t see your Tinder match’s eyes when yours are filled with tears of self-loathing and your stomach is filled with roughage.