Edgy Professor Decides to Spice Things Up a Bit, Drops Swear Word During Lecture

CHAMBERS 2054 –– Observing a recent spike in the number of unexcused absences and a general trend of student sluggishness as the semester moves into its latter stages, Dr. John Keating of the History Department, in what many are calling a brazen breach of basic pedagogical decency, made the bold decision to employ the vulgar colloquialism “clusterfuck” in describing the 1929 stock market crash during his “US History Since 1877” class on Monday morning at approximately 8:43 AM.

After what Keating described as “many hours of great contemplation, critically weighing the intricacies of the decision,” he came to the realization that the inflammatory use of a swear word, however much it betrayed his valued code of classroom ethics, was simply the only way to recapture the attention of his formerly enthusiastic students.

When asked about the situation, Keating replied, “They were all so energized at the beginning of the semester, but lately everyone has been showing signs of fatigue. I see fewer students taking notes, have to cold call folks for participation, and see half of them scrolling through some app called Tinder the whole time. I knew something had to be done.”

Keating first reached out to his colleagues in the History Department to ask for advice. While numerous faculty members offered creative suggestions like “giving ventriloquist lectures through a puppet named ‘History Hank’” and “using a fun font like Cambria or Comic Sans in PowerPoints,” some longer-tenured professors were more direct, stating bluntly that the only recourse for an apathetic classroom is an unexpected utterance with great shock value.

The intrepid Professor of History took this advice to heart. Introducing the infamous stock market crash that sparked the greatest economic downturn in U.S. history, Keating announced, “Straight up, guys, it was a goddam clusterfuck.” Shockwaves quickly spread across the classroom. Students immediately sat up straight, pencils in the hand, eager to transcribe whatever their apparently badass professor would say next.

The Yowl spoke with several students present in Dr. Keating’s 8:30 class, many of whom spoke to the resurgence of passion for history that was ignited within them upon hearing their professor’s provocative vulgarity. Emma Anderson ‘22 described the use of ‘clusterfuck’ as “scholastically arousing,” commending the bold decision as “exactly what professors should be doing to engage their Gen Z students.”

At press time, Keating told The Yowl that he plans to seize the momentum he has created with his use of ‘clusterfuck’. Keating stated that he “Might have the kids start calling me John, or even Johnny, or perhaps J-Keats––or, or, and I might be going out on a limb here… John-O with a slightly drawn-out and exclamatory ‘Oooo!’”

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