Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.
The spring semester has brought a lot of new additions around campus. Union Cafe stockholders have been pleased with the reception of new menu items, previously abroad juniors (who now self-identify as dual citizens) have enjoyed the new half of base Belk, and the PCC advisor position has been filled with self-described “Good Place Architect”, Eloise Bellhop.
Bellhop brings an innovating practice to advising the e-board members of Patterson Court based on NBC’s hit sitcom The Good Place. Individual house members will have their actions recorded by Bellhop’s assistants, Jane and Nannette. The three new campus employees are from a very small town in South Dakota, one you’ve probably never heard of. When The Yowl questioned if two assistants would be enough to monitor all students engaged in PCC organizations, Bellhop advised us to “not worry so much.”
The new PCC advisor issued some beginner guides to eating house members last week to help them gain an understanding of how morality will be now be judged until the end of time. For example, one Ruskie gained five points for bringing a first-year to a house dinner and 18 points for allowing them to have the last piece of brownie. However, a fellow Ruskie asked the first-year with a passive-aggressive smile if they “enjoyed Bungle” and not-so-innocently asked the student if they were there because “everyone knows Rusk has the best food.” This series of blunders resulted in a loss of 13 points.
Other ways to lose points on the day of self-selection will include the obvious actions of hazing, cheesy icebreakers, being rude to Commons workers, and the overall act of waking campus up at seven A.M. with cultic ritual chants. Bellhop even revealed a conspiracy among four Turner House members who were caught sneaking into the other houses to capture photos of the worst meals available at each organization and submitting them to the “Davidson Eats” page. Each conspirator had 233 points deducted.
Some houses have been rumoured to have lost points by sending emails about recruitment events five minutes after they started and making obvious attempts to maintain exclusivity while ultimately ending invites with “bring all your friends.”
The ultimate goal for each PCC organization is for its total number of members’ points to be greater than zero. Any organization that has a negative total at the end of the semester will be removed from campus with the chance to reapply after one millennium. E-Board members from organizations that are removed will still be able to maintain a leadership position with the Medium Place –– Union Board.