DAVIDSON, NC –– In an astonishing measure described by one official as an effort to “stay ahead of the curve” and “continue to attract the best and brightest,” Davidson College’s Office of Admissions & Financial Aid announced Monday that prospective members of the Class of 2023 will, for the first time ever, have the option to select an upgraded luxury package for their overnight stay during Decision Davidson weekend.
In an email sent to all admitted students and their parents ahead of this weekend’s Decision Davidson event––a yearly spring showcase that allows potential Wildcats to get a taste of campus life and hear one too many a capella performances––the Admissions Office introduced the new ‘Decision Davidson LUXury Package.’ This exclusive experience promises to “indulge YOU, our BELOVED admitted applicant, a PRIZED member of the 19.3%, with every attention, comfort, and kindness that your disciplined and creative mind can imagine during your stay with us this weekend.”
The LUXury Package, whose stylization is a reference to Davidson’s motto “Alenda Lux Ubi Orta Libertas” as well as the school’s hunky new mascot, is available to all students who choose to partake in the optional overnight stay with a first-year host. Rather than being provided with the typical accommodations, which have historically included a one-inch yoga mat for sleeping and a free-meal voucher for Vail Commons, those who select the LUXury package will be granted a $100 stipend to Kindred, in addition to several grandiose room enhancements that aim to maximize comfort.
The package’s description states that the host’s room is guaranteed to be located only in either Cannon or Watts, and certainly not “that abhorrent Richardson cesspool.” Such LUXury-designated rooms will be furnished with Tempur-Pedic air mattresses, complete with customized throw pillows featuring lifelike illustrations of the prospective student’s loved ones. When asked about this seemingly unnecessary and potentially unsettling feature, an Admissions spokesperson told The Yowl that the pillows were “a nice added touch, something to remind the admitted students that this place should feel like home.”
Other perks of the LUXury Package include the replacing of the host’s dorm room decorations with posters dedicated to the admitted student’s favorite sports teams and movies, a repainting of the room to better match the visitor’s favorite color, monogrammed bathrobes and slippers, and an electric toothbrush.
At press time, Deans of Admissions at Amherst, Bowdoin, Haverford, and Swarthmore were seen panicking as they heard about Davidson’s luxurious overnight offering to admitted students. “Well gosh darn it,” said one high-ranking admissions officer, “Why didn’t we think of this? Frickity frack!”