By: Mr. Bader ‘21
A first-year hopeful for The Davidsonian e-board this year had to withdraw his name from the running, due to what can only be described as: ferociously beating his meat while on a Zoom call with this year’s current e-board. According to the party guilty of swinging the sausage casing, he had received advice from his parents to emulate his journalistic heroes and had attempted to do so. Learning from a certain New Yorker contributor’s mistake, the student had both muted himself and turned the video camera off; however, his fatal mistake was that he was pumping the orange juice in the middle of the esteemed E.H. Little Library. One disturbed onlooker described the scene as, “an odd bonding experience, as I too like to use one hand to drink coffee whilst I charm the snake.” Another voyeur noted, “It was all going normally, until he decided to sing the Soviet Anthem; that crossed the line. I could hardly concentrate on my work after that!” The Davidsonian e-board began to grow suspicious, after the candidate refused to answer their classic interview question: “Is this a rhetorical question?” Assuming that the candidate had fallen asleep, the Editor-in-Chief motioned to end the interview, until he heard a rousing rendition of The State Anthem of the Soviet Union discharging from someone in the Fishbowl. Turning around, the poor man was greeted with the previously mentioned incident.
No further comment has been made by the student* or The Davidsonian regarding the incident. But what this reporter could glean from some loose-lipped writers at our bi-weekly orgy was that everything would be handled in-house: apparently there is no precedent to handle such a case in the Davidson College Handbook.**
*We are not allowed to share his name, as this is an ongoing case; but we can tell you that he is a freshman, and he lives on your hall.
**Yes, that one that you are supposed to have read.