Davidson in Despair: Campus Stricken with Grief Following College’s Drop in US News & World Rankings

Davidson College has come under fire for various campus renovations that have taken place over the past few years. Highly respected college review blog, U.S. News’ Best Colleges List, has defamed the once ambitious students of the small-town, big-dreams college. Students were immediately alerted of the rankings drop thanks to the SSAFER alert system. The Yowl has conducted an extensive investigation to determine the causes of such a grave travesty.

An anonymous source from US News & World has given The Yowl the inside scoop on the “scandals” that have tarnished Davidson’s ranking compared to other colleges and universities within the United States. 

“Usually schools such as Princeton and Harvard DO NOT move their Residence Life Offices into a convenient location; they believe these kinds of departments belong in the dampened basement of a dorm building built half a century ago. The recent switch was not appreciated,” the source explained. 

The source went on to elaborate on other changes in the Davidson community. “The destruction of walkways and roping off entire sidewalks, while allegedly done in the name of modernizing the college’s oldest dorm, leaves Chidsey Residents soaked in sweat during class after making roundabout treks in the beaming sun while navigating their way to Chambers.”

US News & World also took issue with the so-called “productive dialogue” between SGA and administrators that led to a “more equitable” write-up system that no longer includes fines. Said one rankings expert, “We believe that top-ten institutions should follow the archaic standards of discipline and teach students the hazards of drinking by burdening them with financial debt. It’s a shame to see a once-esteemed college fall victim to the immorality of modern times.”

Several students speculated that the majority of the damage to the college’s reputation is due to changes in the Student Union. “My freshman social life was birthed in the Union Station. I’m not saying the loss of our beloved snack shoppe is the cause of the ranking drop… but when Davidson was #10, Union Station was more than just a fond memory,” remarked David Tenor ‘20.

Sammie Seltzer ‘21 expressed worries to The Yowl, exclaiming, “First there’s a national White Claw shortage, and now we’ve fallen in the rankings? Literally why am I even at this school?” 

At press time, officials from US News & World Report informed Davidson alumni far and wide that the school may no longer be colloquially referred to as “the Harvard of the South.” To this, we at The Yowl say fine. Screw it. “Cornell of the South” sounds way cooler anyways. US News can take their rankings and shove it.

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