Davidson Fun Inflation Lowest In The Nation

In a recent report by “U.S. News and World Report,” Davidson College was rated the lowest in the nation for fun inflation. Davidson has finally beat out institutions such as West Point and the Eastern Piedmont Penitentiary for having the least amount of all-American fun. This new ranking is a monumental achievement for the college, as there is a trend among other colleges to have more cheery and relaxed attitudes. The college’s number one status really shows how much the administration cares about distinguishing Davidson from other learning institutions.

This comes as no surprise to the administration nor to the student body. Over-committed English major Jeremy Clarkson ‘17 said, “Yeah, I could totally see how ‘U.S. News would give us this ranking. I mean, I haven’t been to a party in over a year and a half.”

In another testimony, Jenny Macbeth ‘16, seen studying at 3 a.m. in the basement of the library said, “It’s time like these when I’ve spent the past 30 hours working on homework that I feel like the school is doing a great job preparing us for the real world.”

In colleges across the United States, fun inflation rates have hit an all-time high to help make their colleges appear more competitive to prospective students. However, in recent years Davidson has fought back against this trend by instituting strict anti-play policies, citing ethical reasons behind the artificially raised fun levels. In an interview with President Quillen, she stated the following:

“Davidson has traditionally been a very unenthusiastic and uptight community. We can’t in good faith allow the school to follow the carefree and fun-loving path that other learning institutions are taking.”

President Quillen has not only talked about anti-fun policy but has implemented multiple programs to get levels of fun low. With the newest mandated policy of 60 hours of outside-of-class homework per week, the college plans to “really show these kids a thing or two about how life truly works.”

Other proposed program initiatives include stress stations, where your parents are Skyped in to look over your grades, and abundant fliers reminding you of that upcoming test.

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