Disclaimer: this article is not intended to incite any more Nummit-Davidson Dining beef. We understand that #1, there are much bigger fish to fry in the scheme of things, and #2, it has just devolved into a large ball of blech that we are not trying to add to. It’s just good humor, god dammit. 

In light of the recent, totally peaceful and mutual, transfer of power, The Yowl reports on some changes to expect around town next year:

1. The Pickled Peach will be now known as Commons Soups and Salads. Despite operating perfectly fine before, D*vidson D*ning hopes to bring some much anticipated changes to this high-stress low-speed joint, including running out of vegetarian options thirty minutes after lunch starts and serving chicken with every single fucking dish. Don’t worry, the College reassured students in a statement that Commons Soups and Salads will continue serving both pickles and peaches, because that’s definitely the point.

2. Commons Market 2.0, previously known as the Town of Davidson Farmers Market, is no longer your favorite place to shop for local fruits and veggies from independent farmers, but will now sell meat and produce from the factory farm D*vidson D*ning recently opened on the Davidson Ecological Preserve. You can still buy your kale and apples from us, so it’s basically the same thing, right? 

3. DCPC no longer stands for the Davidson College Presbyterian Church, but rather Dining Commons Pasta & Cheese. That’s right — the inside of the space is now a fully renovated Italian and French combination restaurant and world market (think Eataly meets Wegmans meets Paris). According to representatives from the school, the biggest tourist attraction north of South of the Border “is a great financial asset to the school. People leave Dining Commons Pasta and Cheese with full bellies and smiles on their faces, so it’s a win-win”. D*vidson D*ning has not responded to criticisms from the Chaplains office about “changing the culture of a space important to the campus community beyond its financial value on paper.”