Students have long recognized that they have a true culinary gem on campus: the Commons desserts bar. However, Commons desserts have recently attained international prestige by being rated by the Michelin Company. The Michelin Guide, originally from France, rates restaurants on a scale from 0 to 3 stars based on how délicieux the food is.
“I mean, this is huge,” said [STUDENT NAME REDACTED]. “I am so proud that Commons (desserts, specifically) has become the first Michelin-rated cuisine in the state!”
Students have taken the opportunity to publicize their own ratings of favorite Commons desserts on the ‘Cats Chats board, which is situated prominently next to the daily special line, by writing on soggy, ripped napkins with writing utensils they have to bring into Commons themselves. A few of the most striking compliments included, “I could feel that cheesecake cup in my stomach all the way to the VAC,” “The matcha latte cupcake was to die for! I would appreciate it if it could be made with oat milk next time,” and “If Kevin Shrub were behind one door, and cannoli were behind another door, and a rice krispie were behind a third door, I’m going for the cannoli.”
“I’d say my favorite has to be the mint dirt pudding cup,” read the most crumpled napkin. “I think it’s the gumy worms that make or break it. If they’re halfway submurged in the pudding, it’s a no-go, but today their chilling in the oreo dust reprsenting the dirt, I’m all over it. Overall, as an English major, I apprciate the metaphor behind the mint dirt sundae and hope to see more analytical desserts in the future.”
“The straight-up bowl of Oreos? Truly inspired,” read one napkin. In an interesting study done by a forensic science class, some students tried to see if the stains on the napkins posted lined up with the desserts that were being praised. Lab results have not yet been released.
Skip Tilly, ‘32, felt so strong about this current event that he reached out, unsolicited, to The Yowl™ in order to voice his opinions on the oreo scoopie: “When I die, I want my coffin to be filled to the brim with oreo scoopie so I get to rest in its soppy embrace forever. I hate the taste, but love the way it feels on my body.” *
There has been some controversy over the desserts bar alone being singled out for this honor. “I think the banana chips from the salad bar are underrated. They’re nice and sweet. Just throw them on your tray loose and let them roll around,” said Bam Sock, ‘21.
Regardless of student opinion, the experts have made their decision. The end result? “Worth a special journey, exceptional in quality, precisely executed cuisine.” Three stars.
*Tilly has been banned from commons for six weeks, pending investigation