By: Our Last Hope ‘22

Photo illustration for “College to Offer CatCard Chip Implants Next Year For Students Who ‘Can’t Fcking Keep Track of Their Sht'”

In an effort to curb the number of CatCards left abandoned and lonely next to Union printers, or simply somewhere in the grass between Commons and your dorm, Davidson has announced a radical policy change. Students will now be able to opt-in to a medical procedure to surgically implant the equivalent of a CatCard into their wrist.

While most chip implants are intradermal, Davidson students will need to opt-in/out? for an above-skin insertion site in order to retail full swapability. 

Though the protrusion will likely be between a quarter and a half inch tall, students are not expected to experience any lifelong side effects. Still, Student Health has offered to stay open extra hours during the first few weeks after the procedure in order to deal with sudden ooze and pus control.

“I’ve heard it’s a painful insertion process, but really, anything beats calling my apartment mates to tell them I’m locked out for the fourth time this week,” said senior Cam Richardson. 

Other students agree that, while not ideal, the procedure is the only option they have left.

“I think I missed the part of orientation where they gave us sleeves for the backs of our phones? Ever since then, I’ve been fighting a losing battle,” said first year Chelsea Neil. 

The ambitious project was made possible only by collaboration between IT services, Student Health, and 22-year-old, self-proclaimed “unstable genius” Kurt Smalls. Smalls has been practicing for the upcoming procedures by injecting his arm with small bits of hardware he swore to himself and his buddies he would one day build into a PC. (Though the parts are now embedded in various parts of Small’s body, the dream is still alive, dude.)

“Technology is the future, man,” Smalls said when asked to comment. “The robots are taking over the world anyway, and if you can’t fight ‘em, join ‘em.” 

So far, the impending policy change has sprouted a concerned parents group questioning the safety of such a novel and invasive medical procedure.

Students interested in obtaining an implant should plan to arrive on campus three days before the beginning of the winter semester and get rid of all shirts and sweaters that go past the elbow.