The Yowl

Junior Hosts First Ever Midterm-Themed Party

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This past Tuesday evening Sarah Spalding hosted a party which, according to her was “ Only the best idea I’ve ever had.” In a text sent to over a dozen friends, Spalding wrote: “Hey y’all, I’m having a midterm-themed party in my room at 7. Bring your books or whateverRead More

Unsuspecting Student Reportedly Opens Chamber of Secrets

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While relieving himself in the middle urinal of the Union bathroom this past Saturday, unsuspecting freshman William Williamson accidentally unsealed a magical trapped door and opened the Chamber of Secrets.  “I was confused, more than anything,” Williamson explained. “I wanted to catch breakfast before it closed so I was kind of in a rush,Read More

Thoughtful Freshman Invites All International Students to His House For Fall Break

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In a gesture of unprecedented generosity, Jack Kobold ‘19 made the sweeping declaration that all international students not returing home this weekend were welcome to “party at his place” during the four-day Fall Break. Kobold resides in a three bedroom ranch house in the suburbs of Raleigh, North Carolina. But the confines ofRead More

The Theory of Evolution Does Not Believe in Texas

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In a controversial tweet posted yesterday morning, the Theory of Evolution announced that it did not, in fact, believe in Texas. Responding to a history lesson its son sat through on the Battle of the Alamo, Evolution tweeted, “I don’t want government conspiracies like this so-called “Texas” being taught toRead More

Sunshine Continues Her Strike Until All of Her Ludicrous Demands Are Met

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As we approach day ten of dreary New England-like weather, the Sun still appears to show no signs of ending her tantrum. “This trouble all started with the darn Super Moon”, reports local astronomer and consultant-to-the-stars, Esmerelda Diamond, “There was a huge fuss about it, hashtags and everything. That causedRead More