Campus Prepares To Awaken Green Day Lead Singer When September Ends

Davidson College is abuzz with activity as it prepares for autumn. Fall festivities include Jack-O-Learning, FlickerFall and the Last Leaf Drag Race. But before we can get to those, we must inaugurate the season with a crowd favorite: the annual attempt to awaken Green Day lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong upon September’s end.

Those familiar with this classic Davidson tradition know that it hasn’t always been easy. Arthur Chestnut, a dedicated attendee of the event, delves into how the attempts have gone in years past.

“My freshman year we tried a soft approach. Angela Tinsbury– sweet girl with the softest voice you’ve ever heard– was elected to lean over Billie Joe and blow gently into his ear. “Wake up”, she whispered, “I’ve made pancakes!” The guy didn’t even budge! He just mumbled something about american idiots and fell back into a deep slumber in a pile of his own drool.”

The punk rock band has been putting out content since 1986, but ever since Armstrong crawled under the covers of his dirty futon a decade ago, Green Day productions have ceased to a halt.

“He left us with a single message”, explains longtime Green Day fan, Peter Warts. “Wake me up when September ends. Well we’ve been trying for the last decade, but Billie Joe just keeps hitting snooze.”

Tension is high in the punk rock community. Protests have even begun to form around the singer’s California home. Field correspondents reported that at press time, troops of 40-year-old men with miscellaneous piercings and runny black eyeliner were gathering around the perimeter with no less than 21 guns.

But there are no broken dreams on Armstrong’s San Diego Boulevard; the 2000’s icon snores soundly through the mayhem.

The 10-year anniversary of Armstrong’s expansive nap puts the pressure on Davidson more than ever.

“Last year we didn’t hold ourselves back,” reports Chestnut, “We even flung off his blankets! But all he did was mumble, “one more minute”, and bury his head under his pillow. The guy’s impossible.”

A spokesperson for Davidson PUNK (People Unite in the Name of Kulture) gave The Yowl an exclusive preview on what’s coming next in the annual go at rousing Armstrong.

“There’s a theory going around campus that this whole ‘nap’ thing is just performance art, that he’s just trying to prove how punk rock he is. Well we’re not going to tolerate it any longer. We’re opening his blinds. We’re tickling his knees. We’re bringing in an excited dog to lick his face. September’s over, buddy! It’s time to wake up.”

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