by Hudson River ’22

Photo illustration for “Campus in Chaos, Computers Blowup”

Campus was set ablaze this past Monday Evening as it faced the single worst outbreak of 2020 – Microsoft AND Moodle experienced outages. At approximately 6:30 P.M. T&I alerted students that email and login services had been disrupted at a national level, putting a multitude of institutions in crisis mode. 

The most pressing problem experienced during the outage was the delayed emails being sent through Microsoft Outlook. Junior Gary Johnson shared his story with The Yowl™. “I didn’t think much of the outage on Monday. I’m more of a slack communicator anyways.” The problem occurred when Johnson awoke Tuesday morning with one delayed email, time stamped 4:30 Monday afternoon. The subject line read “CLICK HERE TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE.” Johnson explained he had been offered free tickets to a Travis Scott Zoom concert. 

The problem? Johnson had to respond to the email by midnight the previous night. “I was devastated. Along with the concert, attendees would be Postmailed the Travis Scott McDonald’s meal. I finally had a chance to have a decent f*cking meal around here.”

Scholar-athlete Jackson DeBuff had an equally major issue with the campus-wide crash. “I was just about to order my Colorado Turkey Grinder™ when the system cut out. I burn so many calories a day from working out my body and my brain–did I mention that I’m a scholar-athlete?–that if I didn’t get the sweet, sweet nourishment from some hand-sliced deli meat immediately after practice I would collapse,” DeBuff recounted. Lucky for DeBuff, part of his contract with the college provides for fully-paid Kindred takeout in the event of any such emergency.  

Dr. Henry in the Classics department divulged to The Yowl™ that he has been experiencing issues with Outlook all semester long. “I constantly try to stay in contact with my students. However, it has been really hard when everything is remote. I create a deadline, and none of the kids can get it to me because of the Outlook delay. Almost all assignments have been turned in 24-36 hours late. I really hate it for them.” 

We didn’t have the heart to tell Dr. Henry the Outage was only first reported Monday night. 

The outrage over the outage continued to build, with students expressing sentiments such as “my entire life is literally online and you just cut me off” and, more succinctly, “f*ck Zoom University.” In a large (but socially distanced) demonstration, students gathered on Chambers Lawn to symbolically burn their computers. “This outage was just the beginning. Davidson can’t expect us to do work when we can’t even get into our accounts! ¡Viva la revolución!” shouted sociology major Eric Loughlin ‘21. 

Students gathered around the fire and took in the flames. Some made s’mores. “It’s a nice way to kick off the week,” said Skip Tilly, ‘23. “Who knows, this could be the new book burning.”