Campus Extracurricular to Thrive Despite Graduating Leader’s Delusions and Worries

Despite circulating rumors that a certain extracurricular activity group would struggle to thrive following the graduation of its longtime leader, Selvin Dulgent ‘18, preliminary reports show that the organization is expected to perform just fine in the coming months and years.

“We’ve used reliable techniques to project the future trajectory of the club, surveying current members, gauging general campus sentiment, and assessing past leadership activity,” explained freelance data analyst Linda Pham, who The Yowl commissioned with the remainder of our budget, “And yeah, the charts pretty much show that it’s only uphill from here. Congrats, I guess?”

There are several developing theories regarding the expected surge in success. “What with the ever-increasing size of incoming first year classes, all groups have a greater chance of growing in membership. Inflation is natural,” speculated Sociology major Scott Lyle ‘20.

“The ATC gives more money to more established organizations. More time, more money, more power. It stands to reason,” stated Economics major Lance Purvis ‘21.

“It’s because the curse is broken,” said Mysticism Interdisciplinary Studies major Helga Hoyle ‘19. When pressed on this further, Hoyle only shook her head gravely, murmured “The curse will strike again in thirteen-score years. Next time, it’s after a capella,” and disappeared behind a newspaper.

Whatever the cause, the organization’s incumbent leaders are excited about the report. Sources at The Yowl say that they’ve already begun redecorating the club office, tossing stacks of files, coffee cups, and botched PhotoShop experiments that have accumulated over the years.

“We’re definitely excited about taking this thing in new direc-
tions,” admitted co-president elect PJ Surelly ‘22, “Selvin is great and everything, but times are a-changin and Mobikes are the future,”

“Love the girl,” agreed co-president elect Laney Ralsh ‘22,

“But I’m also excited to pivot our focus from, uh, women’s health issues, to, like, anything else.”

Perhaps the most positive reaction to the good news came from its original contender: Dulgent herself.

“Yeah, I was worried, but not because I ever had any doubt. The group’s in great hands. It’s just that whole senior year anxiety about leaving a legacy, you know?

At press time, Dulgent acknowledged that even this article doesn’t technically fit within the bounds of her former club’s doctrine.

“Sure, it’s not satire. It’s a salutation. Thanks for everything, extracurricular,” she yowled.

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