BREAKING: Kristol’s Professorship Revoked After Being ‘Cancelled’ By Campus Progressive on Twitter

DAVIDSON –– Announcing that their “hands were simply tied” in regards to the rescission of the conservative political analyst’s position as Vann Professor of Ethics, the Office of Academic Affairs confirmed on Monday that Bill Kristol will no longer be joining the college as a visiting faculty member in the Fall of 2019. Kristol was recently ‘cancelled’ by Davidson junior Emma Nelson on the popular social network Twitter, forcing the administration’s hand and leaving officials with no choice but to revoke the former White House advisor’s professorship. 

On Sunday, January 27th at 2:39 PM, Nelson ‘20 (@fullnelson1998) tweeted “BILL KRISTOL IS CANCELLED Y’ALL,” accompanied by the popular Bernie Sanders finger-wagging gif. The damning tweet appears to have struck a chord with Nelson’s classmates, ten of whom have since retweeted the message. Sources also tell The Yowl that everyone in Nummit stood up and applauded upon hearing of the tweet. Some patrons, swept up in the euphoria of the cancellation, even went as far to start a “Kristol’s cancelled! [clap] [clap] [clap-clap-clap]” chant.

‘Cancelling,’ for those unfamiliar with jargon of millennial internet culture, is an increasingly popular tactic employed by left-leaning Twitter users to rebuff politicians, media personalities, disgraced celebrities, and the occasional “Bachelorette” contestant. A June New York Times piece titled “Everything Is Cancelled” provided an in-depth analysis of the phenomenon, ultimately asserting, “If you announce that someone is canceled, they’re canceled.” 

Understanding the power of the Twitter cancellation, Nelson realized that rather than simply venting to friends about Kristol’s hiring, she ought to turn her frustrations into effective actions. “I was in Nummit ranting to Krista and Leon about the irony of Davidson brining in a neoconservative warmonger amidst recent calls for greater faculty diversity,” said Nelson, “and then I remembered that New York Times article and thought ‘all I have to do is cancel him on Twitter!’”

Davidson administrators were informed of Nelson’s tweet Monday morning, prompting a series of high-profile meetings and an emergency assembly of the Board of Trustees. The deliberations were reportedly tense, but the vast majority of involved parties soon realized that there was no way around Nelson’s deliberate actions. Bill Kristol had been cancelled, and there was only one possible decision to be made.

At press time, replies to Nelson’s cancellation tweet included several instances of similar new-age internet jargon, including the praising compliment “Yassss girl,” the popular clapback “Drag him queen!,” and the exclamatory refrain “PREACH.” 

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