by Over Concerned Sophomore ‘23
We here at the YowlTM like to recognize the struggle of the underdog. The ones who are disconnected, ignored, and looked down upon in this Davidson bubble. This week, those people are our first-years. This one’s for y’all.
Some of our first year readers have finally run out of clean clothes and worn each of their masks enough times that the friction between their lips and the mask has run the garment thread-bare, almost to the point that it doesn’t work as a mask anymore. Naturally, these unfortunate souls asked their parents to mail some more clothes, because they have no idea how to use laundry machines. But eventually, even the extra supply of sweaters and scarves have too been soiled. For some, the sweat was produced by the expedition up the hill to chambers, and the rest of us without any in-person classes have gotten so out of shape that when we enter our room dripping in sweat, our roommate will go on to congratulate us for finally making it to the outdoor gym only for me – I mean- us to admit “I just walked down to the laundry to wash my clothes.”
We give thanks to one of our Belk readers for informing us of the dismal situation in the Belk laundry room. We went to take a look for ourselves, and the air reeked of…football first year. The first row of washers were all filled with clothes waiting to be moved to the dryers. The dryers were waiting for clothes to be taken back to their rooms. Our informant told us that she couldn’t even set the clean clothes in the back table meant for mismatched socks since it had already filled up faster than commons during Commonsgiving. The counter had quickly become the aisle of lost masks. Laundry bins stacked on sports bras, on top of Davidson logo the t-shirt your parents bought for you when you first toured the campus, spilled onto the floor and shelves, with an odd piece of… designer lingerie from Victoria’s Secret sticking out on top like the star on a Christmas tree.
When we interviewed freshman Kelly Clothesline ‘24 she elaborated about the issue stating, “no one picks up their clothes. Mold has been growing in the washers. The dryers sit dry because no one moves anything, but I guess it really doesn’t matter since I’ve worn the same pair of sweats for the past week.” Kelly’s roommate interrupted the interview because she was eager to talk to someone who wasn’t her “mother f—- roommate.” Kelly’s roommate Helen ‘22 went on “I don’t know how I got stuck here with a freshman! I was supposed to be abroad in England studying god knows what, but now I’m here and–” We asked Helen for her upperclassmen opinion of the laundry room, she continued saying, “I have to admit I have just kept my video muted for all of my zoom classes and have even done some of them nude. It just feels more freeing that way. But yeah, I ran out of clean sweats and only have pencil skirts and tube tops left. Let’s just say, I’m definitely not muting my video this next week. I’ve had the same guy swabbing my nose for the covid test, and I think this might be the week that he might just swab my-” Our editors decided that the rest of Helen’s interview was unnecessary.
Apparently, other students have taken advantage of their lack of clean clothes to look sexy as hell in their dorm rooms to boost self esteem as well. A group of students are even considering making an only fans account together to join in on the self-love. But our initial informant still was confused at the large amounts of clothes just sitting in the Belk laundry room. She asked us to look through it, and so we did.
Its contents entailed:
- 56 shirts
- 20 pairs of jeans (11 of them ripped)
- 18 used condoms that appeared to have gone through the washer and dryer (the health advisors forgot to tell the freshman they aren’t reusable)
- 16 unused condoms
- 10 davidson masks tied together like a cute little banner
- 5 commons to go boxes
- 1 albino skunk that roams campus at night
The albino skunk had apparently made a nest in the center of the pile of clothes and pitched up the two yard signs to form a solid interior structure for a dwelling.
Anyways… we got sprayed. The skunk panicked and sprayed everything in the laundry as it ran out of the laundry room. So you heard it first here folks. If you see a freshman, thank god you’re wearing a mask and stay as far away as possible – your nostrils might not be able to handle it.