Area Deities: In Landmark Policy Change, April Snow to Bring May’s Sunny Glow this Spring

THE HEAVENS –– In a momentous declaration relayed to local officials by the messenger spirit Mercurius, the Council of Supreme Deities’ Subcommittee on Wind, Weather, and Worldwide Precipitation Patterns proclaimed that the atmospheric forces that drive Davidson’s climate will no longer be set to their normal setting of ‘April Showers Bring May Flowers’––the guiding axiom that has dictated springtime weather trajectories in the region for the past 2,000 years. By a narrow 7-6 vote, the Subcommittee decided to adopt a new approach by which ‘April Snow Brings May’s Sunny Glow.’ 

The initiative was first put into place on Tuesday, with snow flurries abundant throughout the morning in Charlotte and its surrounding 30-mile radius. Davidson’s campus was abuzz with news of the light snow, prompting such reactions as “What the f*ck,” “How the f*ck,” and “Really, Supreme Deities, really?” from students, faculty, and staff. Some even went as far to question the judgement of Mother Nature, who is currently serving in her 4,543,000,000th consecutive term as Chairwoman of the Subcommittee. 

When asked about the sudden shift in such a longstanding policy, Chairwoman Nature acknowledged that the change was unprecedented but expressed hope that human underlings at Davidson and in the surrounding area could soon come to appreciate the change of atmospheric pace. “I know that the decision to make April a snowy month will be a difficult transition for some, especially those who brought their winter coats home with them over spring break,” said Nature. 

The omnipotent weather deity continued, “I understand the concerns, I really do. But would you all rather go back to rain? Would you? April showers kind of suck, right? I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. It seemed like a good idea when Boreas brought it up at the last monthly meeting. I thought it would be a nice change of pace, you know? Whatever. Back in my 12,000th term the atmosphere was just volcanic ash spewing everywhere constantly. So you know what, you should be thanking us no matter what.”

The Yowl was able to get in contact with several of the divine beings who voted against the proposal, which was one of the most divisive since the Subcommittee voted to let there be a dome in the middle of the waters to separate one body of water from the other over four million years ago.

Said one opinionated deity, “We did consider Spring Frolics, and how the beloved festival might be affected by the presence of snow. I won’t lie, that probably swayed a few people to the ‘nay’ side, but it just wasn’t enough.”

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