By: Schmitten with Apple Beta Pie 

Image illustration for Am I Just Lonely or Is There Actual Sexual Tension Between Me and the Guys Doing My COVID Test?

It’s that time of the week again. That new 5 to 30 minute (depending on where you live on campus, I don’t know your life) slog to Baker Sports Complex. Initially, it was to write your name down on this ridiculously large sticker, deposit your sputum while trying not to hack in front of every volunteer that all seemed to be staring directly at you, and be on your merry way. That was up until a few weeks ago when, as you were approaching Baker, already storing up some spit in the side of your mouth, you noticed some new additions to the sports complex. 

Those new additions being three new tables, each with a couple good-looking hunks in medical coats, ready to shove a stick up your nose. We at The YowlTM are here to report that it is not just you that feels the obvious sexual tension between you and whichever tester you are so lucky to get. And don’t worry, we have a couple tips for you, to make sure you are maximizing your in-person interactions, as we get so few of those nowadays: 

  1. Make sure you are wearing your most attractive mask, you know, the one that really accentuates the point of your nose 
  2. When you hand your tester the sticker with your name on it, make sure to touch their hand just a little too long (gotta savor that person-to-person contact) 
  3. When they ask you if you’ve ever had this sort of test done before, make sure you wink and say, “Never by someone so experienced ;)” 
  4. When they count down the time the swab is in your nose, count along with them so they know you’ll be supportive of their work when you inevitably enter into a relationship 
  5. After the test is over, make sure they notice the involuntary tear slipping down your cheek. This will let them know that you are emotionally available 

In times like these, we at The YowlTM are trying to encourage any form of social interaction — and cats — this relationship is just waiting for you to go out and get it. Let us know if you use any of these tips, and if you have any recommendations, we and our readers are eager to hear of your forays!