90s Kids Rejoice! Union Board Announces Sebastian the Crab as Spring Concert Headliner

Following increased student body pressure, Union Board has finally announced that the headliner of the 2018 Annual Spring Concert is none other than beloved reggae superstar Sebastian the Crab.

“The interest survey we sent out last month yielded the usual completely unreasonable suggestions, you know, The Cantina Band, The Soggy Bottom Boys, and Beyonce, of course, but no other name was written in more than Sebastian’s,” explained Union Board event coordinator Candy McFinnigan ‘18, “We knew he was probably too big for Davidson, but we’re sick of being criticized for not listening to student needs, so we took a shot in the dark.”

Union Board’s risk paid off. On April 20th, Sebastian and his Hot Crustacean Band will take over Duke Family Performance Hall and play a lively set featuring classics like “Under the Sea” and “Kiss the Girl”, along with some sleeper hits from Sebastian’s breakout 1999 album “Crab Meat”.

Securing the world-famous arthropod wasn’t an easy task. According to multiple sources, Sebastian can be a bit of a diva.

“[Sebastian] has made a lot of requests,” said one Union Board member who preferred to remain anonymous, “He wants DFPH to be completely underwater, so we’re looking into that. Every time something isn’t going his way he just says ‘the fish on the land ain’t happy’. He’s not even a fish.”

Despite these strict stipulations, student sentiment regarding the concert is overwhelmingly positive.

“I’m a diehard Sebastian groupie. He’s a genius on the bubbles, a legend on the clam bongos, and a god on the saxophone. I even have his deep cuts from “The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea” on vinyl,” gushed Gupper Starling ‘22, “I’d drown for that man.”

Said Mindy Triton ‘20, “God he’s so dreamy. And you can tell that under his hard exoskeleton he’s a big softie. If I touched his claw, or even one of his six scrumptious legs, I’d never wash my hand again.”

“After the Lil Yachty debacle, I was beginning to lose hope in Union Board,” said Eric Prince ‘19, “But this time they’ve really outdone themselves. There’s no other way I’d have my tuition be spent.”

Tickets to the concert will be available early next week, and are free for Davidson students. The opener for Sebastian and his Hot Crustacean Band is a musical group identified only as ‘XiiiX 69’, and the Yowl was unable to find any additional information on them.

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