The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.
DAVIDSON, NC –– Law-abiding students were utterly stunned this past Monday upon realizing that their rebellious classmates, who refused to complete Duo Two-Factor Authentication, had suddenly vanished from campus. Current estimates peg the number of vanished students at 890, with 87 first-years, 174 sophomores, 195 juniors, and 434 seniors reportedly failing to sign up for the Office of Technology and Innovation (T&I)’s new cybersecurity software. The Yowl asks that anyone with knowledge of additional vanishings alert us as soon as possible.
The first instance of what some are referring to as “The Duo Vanishing” was reported to Campus Police at 8:36 on Monday, as Biology Professor Christine Pancreas became startled when only 6 out of 30 students attended her BIO 108 class period. “Virtually all the seniors were absent and only a handful of underclassmen were there,” noted Pancreas.“At first I thought it was some sort of skip day, but once reports started coming in from other professors, I worried we might have something worse on our hands.”
Over the course of Monday morning, campus administrators searched for a link between the growing number of students reported absent from class or generally missing. By noon, Dean of Student Affairs Jefferey Evans discovered the thread connecting the students of interest: they had all failed, some due to triumphant rebellion and some from haphazard laziness, to complete T&I’s infamous Duo Authentication.
Evans quickly made his way over to T&I on N. Main Street to inquire about this shocking finding. When questioned by Evans, T&I Director of Operations Jim Ethernet responded, “Muhahahaha, muHAhaHA, haHA, ha… those darn fools had it coming.” When thrown up against a computer server by an enraged Evans demanding answers, Ethernet defended himself, saying, “What?? It said it right there at the bottom of every email! ‘If you don’t complete Duo by the deadline, despite daily reminders, you will be VANISHED.’ Right there in the fine print!”
Sources tell The Yowl that campus administrators have rounded up all T&I employees known to have been involved in the plot. The exact methods by which the department was able to make 890 students vanish out of thin air are still unclear, though numerous analysts have suggested that sorcery should not be ruled out of the equation just yet.
The student body has been described as “shaken to its core” by numerous observers. Tim Mullins ‘20, the only member of his senior apartment to complete Duo Authentication, describes himself as “traumatized” given the recent vanishing of his roommates. “When will they be back?,” muttered a visibly distraught Mullins, head buried in hands. “ Will they still want to watch pirated movies with me? What is T&I doing to them???”