10 Things To Do On Valentine’s Day: Single’s Edition

1. Cry into your Maruchen ramen packets: Your tears of desperation and burning desire to not die alone will cook the ramen to sodium-saturated perfection. Perfect for a dinner for one. 

2. Go on a Townie Tinder date: What better way to explore your sexual repression and parental issues than with a pretty non-Davidson person who runs a profitable, startup “CBD Oil” farm? Turns out it won’t end in sex, but there will be incredibly tangible awkward tension that fuels your self-loathing. 

3. Text your ex something vague and non-descript. Like “hey I saw your mom got braces”: Nothing says “please take me back” like an out-of-blue, completely unnecessary comment.  You know it’s a shitty idea and it’s been three years since you’ve dated but things are different now and your SSRIs aren’t working enough to keep you from making poor decisions. 

4. Buy a meal for one at Kindred: You didn’t make a reservation eight years in advance so you’re actually standing on Main Street eating a cold, overpriced Lean Cuisine but it’s okay because it’s only 260 calories and who wants to pay $80 for lunch anyway? (Me, I do.)

 5. Watch a romcom: Vicariously experience the tumultuous love of others within the context of problematic gender dynamics and suffocating heteronormativity. Blog about the ewige Weibliche as a trope for female representation and the parallels between Goethe’s Faust and 10 Things I Hate About You. Who needs love when you have pretension?

6. Get a piercing: Nothing says “winning the breakup” like infected nipple piercings and a Rick and Morty face tattoo so go for it. Your friends are all celebrating this day with their SOs so there is no one to stop you and your impulse control issues.

7. Cut your own bangs: There are YouTube tutorials and you haven’t had bangs since your mom cut them in your second grade parent-teacher conference even though you swore you could see through them. It can’t be that hard and you already have safety scissors anyway. 

8. Make a breakup playlist: Let your Spotify followers see that you’ve moved on from that seventh-grade homecoming romance by dancing to simpleton choruses about f*cking when the closest you’ve been to getting laid is drunkenly tripping over a frat boy at Ryburn. You’re killing it. Proud of you. 

9. Reflect on happy memories: Look in your college shadowbox composed of 73 etix stubs for lectures you only half-attended, free men’s XXL “blackout Belk” shirts, that Econ test you passed while completely hungover, and a shittily written love letter for that person you made out with at F once. It wasn’t love. Sorry. 

10. Enjoy your own company: Call your therapist and leave an hour-long message on Lisa’s voicemail about how you’ve “re-discovered” your self-worth through deactivating your Snapchat. Drink that entire bottle of $6 Barefoot wine while staring at that pile of dirty laundry you haven’t touched since last November.You’ve earned it.

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